Battlestar Eclectic

‘The Septimus Project’ is a terrifying look at Earth under a magnifying glass. Will the aliens on the other side of the lens see a a godlike race, worth helping–even saving? Or will the sun on the glass cause a sorry mankind to burst into flames?

Astronaut Carlisle Iowa (Donald Sutherland) returns to earth with guests on his rocket. They are a trio of aliens, two men and one woman, humanoid and not unattractive.

They have strange powers, inexplicable technology and a deadline. Their home planet of of Septimus is slowly dying thanks to radiation from the Space Wars of 3020 AD.

The galactic group amaze the folks at the International Society of Cooperative Space Exploration.. They communicate telepathically, derive energy through photosynthesis and, to hilarious effect in one scene, become intoxicated by merely drinking water.

The aliens, played by Christopher Walken, David Carradine and Sissy Spacek, are poked and prodded by scientists, who have no intention of letting them off the remote base where they’ve landed.

The aliens insist they must be set free to meet humans, the real humans, not the people with uniforms and guns.

‘We seek the truth of man,” Drafnus (Carradine) tells them.

After falling in love with blue-hued Glorek (Spacek), Iowa smuggles the aliens out of the base. Iowa, it turns out, is an aficionado of the distant past. He even has a van, dating to the 20th century, and a precious stock of gasoline.

Iowa knows he ‘s being hunted like an animal but insists on helping Glorek and her galactic companions Drafnus and Klonian (Walken) explore a sprawling dystopian state called New Washington.

Earth looks different in this distant present. Robots keep the roads spotless, but there’s no one on the highway except the occasional mob of themed gangs whose impromptu street races make travel hair-raising. Even worse are the roving data bandits who’d as soon steal your identity, not to mention your food and shelter tokens, as look at you.

Iowa travels through tent cities and lonely byroads. They come across an old couple, farmers, sitting in rocking chairs on the porch while robots till their fields. They late this strange party, three people with blue skin and one who claims he’s an astronaut, sleep in their barn.

The sleeping arrangement sets up the famous hayloft scene where Iowa (Sutherland) and Glorek (Spacek) bridge the galactic gap by making love in the hay.

Heaven only lasts so long, however. The old woman is friendly, but she’s also a gossip. She video chats with a friend, mentioning they have strange visitors. That friend “tele-speaks” with a friend and so forth.

Soon, the farm is flooded with townsfolk armed with laser-torches, homemade weapons and all the belligerence of a population out of its depth.

The mob arrives in time to see the aliens’ spaceship, a gleaming metal disc, land in the cornfield. As the aliens run toward their ride home, the townsfolk chase them through the cornfields.

In a marvelous scene directed by stop-motion legend Ray Harryhausen, we learn the aliens are able to jump long distances, catching air in a way that defies gravity. They can also flatten rows of corn as they run, with the stalks springing back after they pass.

Struck with fear, the mob attacks, setting fire to the cornfield and firing at the aliens. There’s a moving scene where Klonian, struck in the heart by a bullet, chokes out, telepathically, his final words: ‘I. Had. Such. High. Hopes.’

Glorek, Iowa and Drafnus weep as Klonian dematerializes. Glorek and Drafnus use plasma rods to immobilize everyone in town. Glorek and Iowa share one passionate kiss before she and Drafnus board their spacecraft.

The spaceship hovers a moment, dancing in the air and illuminating the farm before the craft shoots off into the stratosphere.

Iowa finds a megaphone, climbs to the roof of the barn and addresses the town folk as well as the military men who have descended on the place moments too late.

He upbraids them, uttering the most famous line of the movie: ‘Oh, boy. We’ve really mucked things up this time. Every time! It’s all humanity seems to know how to do.”

Iowa tells the townsfolk what he’s learned while “mind-visiting’ with the trio of aliens. They’ve been sent to Earth on a recon mission called “The Septimus Project.” The population of Septimus plans to relocate to Earth. First, though, their leaders want to learn what people are like.

The people of Septimus follow ‘The Crystalline Rule’. Morality demands they treat any beings they encounter the way those beings want to be treated. The leaders of Septimus are watching their every move and will respond in kind.

“Don’t you see?” Iowa asks, laughing at the irony. ‘All you had to do was to be nice and decent and our guests here, the ones you just saw take off for coordinates unknown, would return with goodwill.’

lowa continues rebuking them.

“Instead you’ve acted like savages, like warmongers instead of peacemakers. Congratulations! Glorek and Drafnus are coming back and bringing with them a hundred thousand of their fellow Septimines. Thanks to your ignorance, to your stupidity, they’ll be coming back with a vengeance. They’ll come bearing laser torches instead of greetings.”

The film cuts to the heavily illuminated interior of a space ship. mirrored panels alight with buttons.

We see an older alien pacing the length of the space ship. He glances in sadness at a video image of Klonian, in front of which a laser candle burns with a flickering blue flame.

The older alien addresses Glorek and Drafnus, who are perched in futuristic metal egg chairs. He asks what humans are like.

“How do they treat one another?” he wonders.

Drasnus replies that humans are cruel and violent, lashing out at their neighbors with hatred and at strangers with even greater vitriol. .

“And yet.. . .” Glorek says, a smile playing on her lips.

We flash to a few quick shots of Iowa, smiling the wheel of his van, pointing out constellations to the aliens, stroking Glorek’s face and laughing as Klorian and Drafnus vie to see who can imbibe most shots of water before falling down drunk.

“People can also be wonderful,” Glorek concludes.

Through a round window, we can see the ship is hurtling through space. And now, in an endlessly large crane shot, the camera floats in space, its all-seeing eye tracking the enormity of the cosmos.

FIN.

–Sarah Torribio

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